cptcafne

I wish I had started typing this last night when the thoughts were fresh in my head.  It all started when I was talking to my wife about birthdays.  She is still gushing about the day she had with her friends, hell she will probably be still smiling a week from now.  We started talking about my upcoming birthday, and I realized there wouldn’t be much use in her coming up with a surprise like I did for hers.  Let’s face it, what made hers so special is she spent it with three people she loves the most (well, after me, I hope).

No matter what idea she comes up with, there really isn’t anyone to invite.  I mean, I have John..mostly.  I realized at that moment that I no longer have anyone I would consider or call a close friend.  And that was rather depressing.   I had several I thought would have lasted, but either through my own actions or those perceived by others as something less than stellar, we have all split off.  I can understand some reactions.  Some are somewhat alien to me, but I respect them…as best as I know how.

Yes, I slept with someone that was a close friend.  My wife new about it. Heck, she was there.  All I cared about.  Not up to me to worry about someone else’s relationship.  I make no judgment about such actions.  If someone is sleeping with someone other than their respected significant other, usually means that person is not getting all they need at home.  Do I expect to fall in love with, or have that person fall in love with me?  No!!  And I would be disappointed if that had happened.  This was a brief fling, based purely of a physical want/need.  And personally, no one should have worried about it outside of myself, my wife and the other person involved.  That friendship became tainted when someone outside the circle found out, and had their own opinions on what is right and wrong.  This led to a friendship between the other woman and the one finding out to shatter.  This led to my friendship with both becoming stretched.

The other thing I did was while pet sitting for another associate (notice I didn’t consider this one a “friend”), I went on their computer without permission.  Should I have? No.  What were my original intentions ?  Wanted to look at the system specs since they were always complaining it was slow, see if maybe I had parts at home that I could use to upgrade.  Figured I would be a nice guy since I was always giving that person a ration of shit.  To my dying day I will say I never read her journal.  If I never wanted to hear about her life when we hung out, why in god’s name would I read about it ?  And I don’t care who believes me or not.

I guess that might be a major part of my issues.  I don’t care.  Well, at least I pretend to not care about many things.  I’ll admit, I miss my friends.  But I am also angry.  Angry that what I did with one person they feel affects how I treat them.  Angry that aspects of my past collided head on into my present/future, and I had no say in the matter.  Seriously, if someone I used to date..Or at least play around with, came back into my life for whatever reason, every guy I have ever know would have considered her off limits.  Especially if they knew how much I had actually cared for that person.  But no, what happens, at least to my eyes?  The person from the past, that said she had no desire to continue any real relationship with me, has now totally invaded aspects of my life THAT WERE MINE.  Damnit, she stole my sanctuary.  My one place where I can go, be with people and not worry about assumptions, preconceived notions about myself, etc.  And the sad thing was, it wasn’t home.  I was with friends.  People I considered my family.  And to top it off, I miss the kids.  Little ones I had watched grow up from from infants to toddlers to small wonders of joy.  And attitude.  It was like losing my son to my ex wife all over again.  And now my wife wants to have kids of her own, and to be honest I am a little scared of that aspect now.

 I will admit I was probably more brutal with her than I should have been in retrospect.  All of this might not have happened if I had said no when my wife asked if she could be in the wedding.  Then the woman from the past would not have met the people she did, and became involved with them in ways that truly upset me.I really didn't think I had to say something to anyone.  Figured people would have the courtesy not to pursue things as they did.  I was wrong  And I am sure the fact I kept saying I didn't care, when I did, played a factor in it.  Now I am at the point where I am uncomfortable around either.  I feel I have to watch what I say and do now, otherwise I will offend people that before was not offended by what I said.  hell, I would even let the one give me a hug goodnight on my wife's birthday just because the other was there.  When I was told she wouldn't be.  Which made me uncomfortable and killed my party mood.  So I just stayed away from them.  Away from everyone.  Until they left.  And my relationship with the third person, the one I had a brief fling with, is not how it used to be.

And let me ask anyone of you a question.  What right does someone have to get upset about people, niether one she is in a relationship with, having an affair with each other, when the woman she is now seeing is know for cheating on her "husband".  And still does with another guy.  granted, Woman from the past was seeing this guy before she started spending time with woman from the sanctuary.  but still, if it's ok for her playmate to have flings, how can you cast judgement on someone else for the same actions?  So what that woman from the past's husband is a loser and low life in everyone's eyes.  The friend with a fling was going (and still is) a serious mental/emotional time in her life, and just needed a respite.  her own form of sanctuary. 

Gah.  my head hurts from trying to think.  Will update this when my thoughts are coherent enough for me to make out.